It's that time of year again: Valentine's Day – when websites turn pink, online deals for romantic getaways are touted relentlessly, and dating websites need to update their servers to deal with the influx of singles creating new profiles.
If you've found yourself swept into the world of online dating this Valentine's Day and are now scratching your head, trying to decipher what your potential matches' profiles actually mean, don't worry – help is at hand. Guys and gals, we have decoded internet dating profiles for you:
For someone with bags of self-confidence, just look for a normal username. You know, the kind that is er... their name. People who use their actual name (or part of it) are confident in themselves, and don't feel the need to bolster their persona with adjectives they aspire to.
On the other hand, if you're after somebody with low self-esteem that you'll have to compliment all night, look for anyone whose username includes the word sexy, pretty or hot.
If you want to go on a date with someone you feel physically attracted to, do not, under any circumstances, judge their appearance on their profile pic alone. Profile pictures always – always – show a person in their best light. You never see a double chin on a profile picture, do you?
So browse through the rest of their photos too, and look for candid shots to get a better of idea of what they really look like. To further safeguard against people of an… unsuitable appearance, just type their name into Facebook and see what comes up. Just don't blame us when a restraining order's taken out against you.
Spelling and Grammar
Nobody wants to end up on a date with an unintelligible chump. To reduce this risk, look for people who know how to string a sentence together. There's nothing as abhorrent as a person who writes 'u' instead of 'you,' right? Goodness, how can you hope to hold a worthwhile conversation with someone of that ilk?
We don't care about hot they are, you're not going on a date with them. Now go to your bedroom and cover yourself up.
It's not a good sign if somebody lists their interests as 'going out,' 'shopping,' and 'hanging out with friends.' Because, let's be honest – they're not really interests, are they? They're just things you do. Another key point to remember is that people who have interests are more likely to be interesting. You see how that works?
Interests are a fab way to tell if you'll get along with someone. If you have things in common, you'll not only have something to talk about, but you'll potentially have things to do together if you decide to continue dating. If you love the great outdoors, look for somebody who lists rock climbing or hiking in their interests. If you love food, look for somebody who lists cooking in their interests. Actually, you should definitely do this. Especially if you tend to use your oven for storage.
By following the tips in this guide, this Valentine's Day will* see you on a date with a confident, fantastically good-looking, intelligent, interesting person who will bake cookies for you. You're welcome.
* Might not, actually.